Finding the right person is a process

I read a Facebook status which posed the question, “why can’t men simply love their woman as Barack Obama loves his wife, Michelle?” Fair question, I thought to myself. Later that night, I read another Facebook status which declared, “I will not settle for anything less than a woman like Michelle Obama, period.” Ok, now this is a bunch of rubbish, I thought, hastily closing the Facebook window on my Mac screen.

Naturally, our desire for a man or woman like Barack and Michelle, likewise, a relationship like they have makes sense; who wouldn’t want a Michelle or a Barack Obama?  I mean Michelle is as beautiful as it gets (to say the least), to boot; intelligent, sophisticated, and downright beautiful…oh I previously mentioned that, didn’t I? Barack is POTUS, as many folks so affectionately call him. He is smart, charismatic, well-spoken, and successful. HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE FREAKING U.S. of A… It doesn’t get any better.

Yet a part of me supposes that our love for a Michelle Obama or a Barack Obama is primarily driven by who they presently are. Call me cynical, but I am almost convinced that the majority of men would have turned down a date with a younger Michelle for any number of bizarre rationales: “oh she is too tall…oh she is too ‘black,’…oh she isn’t attractive enough, her hair isn’t long enough and her cheeks are too big. Heck, we are the same people who ridiculed Gabby Douglas because we didn’t like her hair. Most of the same women who profess their undying love for Barack Obama would have laughed out loud had a young “Barry” asked them on a date; “what’s your name, again, O-who?…boy you ain’t black enough…oh I want my men strong and you ain’t it…boy you must be crazy.”

The truth is I don’t blame us for having affection for Michelle or Barack or anyone (men or women) based on who they presently are. We are more intrigued by “results” than “process.” We are more intrigued by the man with the nice car and a house, than we are by the man working his way towards a nice car and a house. We are more intrigued by the strong independent, professional women with a career, than we are by the girl who is perhaps working her way towards a career. Heck, I want cooked steak rather than raw meat. We want “results.”

Yet, “process” yields “results.” In most cases, the young successful gentleman didn’t achieve success overnight. The well-educated woman didn’t get there in a day Michelle didn’t become first lady of the US suddenly, nor did Barack become president, it was a process. Perhaps he loves her the way he does because she saw, in him, something that most women didn’t. Perhaps he loves her how he does because he appreciates scarifies she has made for him. Every good relationship (i.e. friendship) endures some sort of process before it becomes a good relationship. Our best friend does not become our best friends by chances; the friendship goes through stages (peaks and valleys). More often than not, the peaks and valleys – the processes – are what closely bound us. You see, it is wise, when looking at “results” to understand “process.” It is difficult to understand why any man loves his woman “the way he does” without understanding their journey.

I believe that when it comes to making decisions about any man or woman, we should almost exclusively think long-term rather than short-term. I call it the leader vs. manager approach. A leader reflects more about the prospect, while a manager mostly reflects on the short-term. Think about your CEO versus your boss or supervisor. The CEO (the leader) thinks about the future of the company, while the manager or supervisor focuses on the everyday tasks.  Whereas no one way of thinking is necessarily more superior, long-term thinking presents new chances. Such thinking allows us to make better decisions, overall. The prospect thinker sees a man or woman for not only what or who they are, but also what or who they could be.  

I met a young lady who had recently completed her masters. We chattered about a slew of topics, but the bulk of our chat centered on why she was still single. Her conviction was that there just aren’t many young, successful black men in town. She certainly had a valid argument, yet a part of me wondered whether she had set a high bar for defining the “successful black man.” Far be it for me to convince any man or woman to “settle” for less than whom he or she thinks he or she deserves; yet, I have to wonder whether most of us would be better off amending our “standard” or mindset, slightly.

Michelle Obama did not walk down the aisle with the president of the United States. Rather, she walked down the aisle with a regular guy, who by the way became president of the United States.

Distance is nothing when the LOVE is real!

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Two year I went to Ghana for the first time in 16 years, I meet and old friend that was in my Sunday school class. I was four years old when we were in Sunday school and he was eight years old. We started talking when I was in Ghana and started dating when I came back to U.S. When I came back I didn’t think this relationship was going to work because we are millions of miles apart. There were times that I just wanted to give up not because of anything but only because he was “too far” and I wasn’t able to see him like the way I wanted to see him. We think that “talking” to that person almost daily, and visiting each other monthly of semi-monthly equals a relationship. Which is not true, because I’ve seen relationships were they talk and visit each other when ever they want but yet it still feel apart.

If you really want to get individuals to tell you how they “really feel,” ask for their opinions on long-distance relationships. Most of us, for whatever reason(s), have strong negative points about long-distance relationships and in many cases, our perceptions of this type of relationship are driven by personal experiences or experiences of friends. Some folks; however, have views of long-distance relationships based on anecdotal information or unadulterated gossips.
Ask why people are against long-distance relationship and you will almost certainly get  one or a combination of these rationalizations: It is really hard; it takes time; it takes too much patience; it is stressful.

While these rationales for opposing long-distance relationship are entirely compelling, a person has to wonder out loud; aren’t all relationships, regardless of proximity, really hard and stressful? Don’t all relationships, in any case, take time and patience?
Believe it or not, many people enter relationships for the wrong reason(s), whatever it may be. Call me naïve, but I absolutely do not think that any relationship will work if people go into the relationship with off the mark reason(s). Heck, you can live next to each other, or in the same house, yet the relationship will falter.

Truth is, a long-distance relationship, like any other serious relationship, is more than talking and “seeing” each other on occasions – although these are certainly elements of the relationship. Long-distance relationship, like any relationship, is a “partnership”. And you do not start a partnership without identifying your overall goals and/or objectives. BUT, when it comes to our relationships, most of us are ignorant to what we want from such relationship.

You see, most people, while they get into long-distance relationships, are not equipped to handle this type of relationship and expect things to work out because, “love knows no boundaries”, we say. We deceive ourselves into thinking that things will work out and when they don’t we say that long-distance relationships do not work.

Last year when I went to Ghana I was finally able to say, that long distance relationship can work. Yes, there were times when I wanted to give up because I was not seeing him and thought he was cheating on me because I wasn’t there. But it turned out to be that he wasn’t doing any of the things thought he was doing, it turn out to be that I didn’t trust him. But after dealing with the trust issue and being able to understand each other, we were able to make it work. Today I am this planet because I am engage to the love of my life, that same person that I had doubts about because of distance and because society said that long distance relationships don’t last. I’ve learned to out look the distance between us and work on things that are much more important such as trust, understanding and knowing the real reason why we are together.

Yes, long-distance relationship can be challenging. Yes, it may be tougher than close-proximity relationships, yet we should not be quick to make sweeping negative remarks about long-distance relationship, especially because we failed at it or are not equipped to deal with it.