Finding the right person is a process

I read a Facebook status which posed the question, “why can’t men simply love their woman as Barack Obama loves his wife, Michelle?” Fair question, I thought to myself. Later that night, I read another Facebook status which declared, “I will not settle for anything less than a woman like Michelle Obama, period.” Ok, now this is a bunch of rubbish, I thought, hastily closing the Facebook window on my Mac screen.

Naturally, our desire for a man or woman like Barack and Michelle, likewise, a relationship like they have makes sense; who wouldn’t want a Michelle or a Barack Obama?  I mean Michelle is as beautiful as it gets (to say the least), to boot; intelligent, sophisticated, and downright beautiful…oh I previously mentioned that, didn’t I? Barack is POTUS, as many folks so affectionately call him. He is smart, charismatic, well-spoken, and successful. HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE FREAKING U.S. of A… It doesn’t get any better.

Yet a part of me supposes that our love for a Michelle Obama or a Barack Obama is primarily driven by who they presently are. Call me cynical, but I am almost convinced that the majority of men would have turned down a date with a younger Michelle for any number of bizarre rationales: “oh she is too tall…oh she is too ‘black,’…oh she isn’t attractive enough, her hair isn’t long enough and her cheeks are too big. Heck, we are the same people who ridiculed Gabby Douglas because we didn’t like her hair. Most of the same women who profess their undying love for Barack Obama would have laughed out loud had a young “Barry” asked them on a date; “what’s your name, again, O-who?…boy you ain’t black enough…oh I want my men strong and you ain’t it…boy you must be crazy.”

The truth is I don’t blame us for having affection for Michelle or Barack or anyone (men or women) based on who they presently are. We are more intrigued by “results” than “process.” We are more intrigued by the man with the nice car and a house, than we are by the man working his way towards a nice car and a house. We are more intrigued by the strong independent, professional women with a career, than we are by the girl who is perhaps working her way towards a career. Heck, I want cooked steak rather than raw meat. We want “results.”

Yet, “process” yields “results.” In most cases, the young successful gentleman didn’t achieve success overnight. The well-educated woman didn’t get there in a day Michelle didn’t become first lady of the US suddenly, nor did Barack become president, it was a process. Perhaps he loves her the way he does because she saw, in him, something that most women didn’t. Perhaps he loves her how he does because he appreciates scarifies she has made for him. Every good relationship (i.e. friendship) endures some sort of process before it becomes a good relationship. Our best friend does not become our best friends by chances; the friendship goes through stages (peaks and valleys). More often than not, the peaks and valleys – the processes – are what closely bound us. You see, it is wise, when looking at “results” to understand “process.” It is difficult to understand why any man loves his woman “the way he does” without understanding their journey.

I believe that when it comes to making decisions about any man or woman, we should almost exclusively think long-term rather than short-term. I call it the leader vs. manager approach. A leader reflects more about the prospect, while a manager mostly reflects on the short-term. Think about your CEO versus your boss or supervisor. The CEO (the leader) thinks about the future of the company, while the manager or supervisor focuses on the everyday tasks.  Whereas no one way of thinking is necessarily more superior, long-term thinking presents new chances. Such thinking allows us to make better decisions, overall. The prospect thinker sees a man or woman for not only what or who they are, but also what or who they could be.  

I met a young lady who had recently completed her masters. We chattered about a slew of topics, but the bulk of our chat centered on why she was still single. Her conviction was that there just aren’t many young, successful black men in town. She certainly had a valid argument, yet a part of me wondered whether she had set a high bar for defining the “successful black man.” Far be it for me to convince any man or woman to “settle” for less than whom he or she thinks he or she deserves; yet, I have to wonder whether most of us would be better off amending our “standard” or mindset, slightly.

Michelle Obama did not walk down the aisle with the president of the United States. Rather, she walked down the aisle with a regular guy, who by the way became president of the United States.